Welcome to the official archives for the Voices of the Weird–fragments of actual cell phone calls that I was forced to endure because the person standing/sitting/walking next to me felt the overpowering urge to talk as loudly as possible into their phone despite the fact that it was a mere inch from their mouth.

I’m sure most of these phone calls would end up sounding really boring if we were to take these fragments and put them in context. But what fun would that be?


Last updated: January 10, 2014

January 2014

“Man, that’s spooky. (pause) Spooky. (pause) Whoa, spooky. (pause) Spooky, man, spooky. (pause) Man, spooky-spooky. (pause) Oh, that’s spooky. (pause) Man, I got one word for you, man, about all this; scary.”<
–Middle-aged man waiting in line at a North Columbus convenience store

September 2013

I’m Bulletproof
“You can’t punch me. I’m bulletproof.”
–Young man inside an Oxford, Ohio Kroger

July 2013

This is Not Good
“Hold on. I think I just shit my pants. This is not good. Yeah, let me call you back.” 
–Young man inside a Westerville-area Target store

Get That Out of the Basement
“You need to get that out of the basement. If mom comes home and sees it, she’s gonna freak. Just wrap a tarp around it. Make sure you scrub the floor, too.”
–Man inside a Columbus-area Lowe’s, apparently shopping for padlocks

Hot Dogs in my Hand
“I’m standing in the middle of Kroger holding a pack of hot dogs in my hand! Are you sure you want to have this conversation now?”
–Man standing in the middle of Kroger, holding a pack of hot dogs in his hand

Giant Doghouse
“Oh, I used to love running in that neighborhood. But then a bunch of homeless dogs starting living there, so I stopped. I think that’s why they built that giant doghouse there; so that all those dogs had a place to live.”     
–Woman outside my daughter’s gymnastics class (BTW, the “giant doghouse” she made reference to is actually the local Humane Society)


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