Breaking news: we have officially begun scraping the bottom of the reality TV show barrel. And producers are coming to Ohio to prove it to you.
The DIY Network (yes, that’s a real network. I looked it up) has announced that they will debut a new show this year, Vanilla Ice Goes Amish. And yes, they mean this Vanilla Ice.
Although, to be fair, Mr. Ice has grown up a bit since he last assaulted our eyes and eardrums in the early 90s. He still likes to wear shiny outfits, though. Only now, the shininess appears reserved to his sneakers, which he apparently likes to color-coordinate with his hat and tattoos.
Apparently, since Mr. Ice wasn’t very good at building songs (at least songs of his own), he instead turned to building homes, or at least remodeling them, on a recent reality show, The Vanilla Ice Project (again, yes, it’s for real). Given the fact that American citizens apparently can’t get enough of Amish-themed “you really expect me to believe this is real” reality shows like Breaking Amish and Amish Mafia, someone came up with the bright idea that Mr. Ice should travel to Ohio and live among the Amish while learning how they build stuff.
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I can’t stand Vanilla Ice. Most of it stems from the fact that I am a huge fan of the group, Queen, and I’ve never forgiven Mr. Ice for not only stealing (not sampling, stealing) parts of Under Pressure to use in his asinine Ice Ice Baby (so much so that I won’t even link to it), but that he also had the gall to go on national television and deny the songs were the same.
I know, I know, Mr. Ice was eventually forced to give writing credit to Queen on all future releases of Ice Ice Baby, but the whole thing rubs me the wrong way. It goes much deeper than that, though. Not only was this guy annoying, but he wouldn’t go away! Sorry to have to remind some of you of this, but it can no longer be ignored that Mr. Ice was responsible for giving us that mind-numbing box office flop, Cool As Ice:
And now Mr. Ice has returned to haunt us again, in Ohio of all places. Can’t we all just leave Ohio alone for once! I mean, it was looking like we had finally put that whole “Ohio election controversy” thing behind us and were just starting to make some headway into changing people’s perceptions of Ohio (the recent Steubenville fiasco excluded, of course). And now you’re dumping Vanilla Ice on us?
I get it; the Amish are in Ohio. But let’s face it, these are not going to be real Amish people. You honestly think real Amish men are going to be willing to teach Vanilla Ice how to raise a barn? Besides, couldn’t they just tell Mr. Ice “get up really early and bring a bunch of friends” and be done with it? Better yet, since this is reality TV, where everything is staged, move the whole production to California and just film everything in front of a big sign that says “Welcome To Ohio.” The audience will believe it…as much as we believe any of those other Amish-based reality shows.
DIY also took the opportunity to let fans of the still-emerging “faded musician makes with the tools” theme know about several other shows in the pipeline. So if Vanilla Ice isn’t your cup of tea, DIY announced upcoming shows that will feature Run DMC’s Reverend Run and even Daryl Hall from Hall & Oates. I guess MC Hammer was already booked.
Wait! I’ve got it! That’s my new idea for a reality show! A film crew follows MC Hammer as he travels around the US, using his trusty ball peen hammer to rescue lost puppies. Oh, and alligators! Maybe he uses a duck call to lure them in, too. Then, just before he’s ready to capture a random wayward pet, someone will yell out “please, Hammer, don’t hurt ’em!”.
He won’t, of course. And as Hammer holds the safely secured critter aloft, he’ll shuffle off, stage left, with his oversized Magic Genie pants a-billowing, before hopping into a jacked-up SUV, driven by none other than Vanilla Ice. As he cranks the engine, Mr. Ice turns to the camera, throws a menacing glance, and growls, “we outta here”, peeling out amidst a cloud of dust. And…scene.
Word to ya mutha.
You can read the full press release from the DIY Network by clicking here.