When this report first hit my Strange & Spooky News Wire, I’ll be honest: I read it at least five times, looking for the punchline. Turns out the whole thing is true.
Seems that since 2012 (yes, you read that right), a “Mystery Pooper” has been defecating on parked cars around Akron. And apparently this guy really needs to cut down on his fiber intake because he’s crapped on at least 19 cars to date. One resident had her car “defiled” 7 times!
Dubbed the Bowel Movement Bandit, I think we can also safely assume this guy takes his morning coffee and/or cigarette around 5:00 am as he usually strikes “between 5:30 and 6:30 am”.
Here’s the best part of the story: On Wednesday morning, an Akron resident caught the Bowel Movement Bandit in action (so to speak) and managed to take this photo:
Sadly, I was imagining someone a bit more limber. But hey, gotta give props to the guy for being really into his work. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I was brave enough to drop trou on a frozen public street before the sun came up…at least not sober.
Akron police are asking for your help in capturing this Fiber One-addicted fella. Anyone with information is asked to call 330-375-2552. And please don’t attempt to approach this guy…unless you’re wearing surgical gloves and carrying some nice antibacterial gel.
You can read the full report from Newsnet5 by clicking here. There’s video, too, so you can laugh along with the reporters as they try (and fail) to keep a straight face.